So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

C combines all the power of #@*%!embly language with the ease of use of #@*%!embly language

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than #@*%!.

ohunfysnoricwpzlepkl, ://www.mljhsokaaj.com vtakbyjidr

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be m#@*%! produced with unskilled labor.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Paramount among the responsibilities of a #@*%! press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.